The enemy sought to isolate me within my pain and shame for too long. I struggled with alcoholism, my father going to prison, and a cheating husband. Memories of abuse at the hands of my gymnastics coach and Larry Nassar plagued me. There was also the passing of my mother to early-onset Alzheimer’s disease. God showed me His undying love throughout it all, but I downplayed the significance of these moments.
One afternoon, I woke up in a hotel room, not knowing how I got there. My body began to sway when I sat up in bed. There was a knock at the door. I opened the door to two young women I didn’t recognize, holding cocktails. They began mocking me, calling me a whore. I tried to respond, but I couldn’t form a sentence. They laughed at my effort and walked away. At that moment, I knew I’d been drugged and raped.
I shut the door, staggered over to the hotel window, and fell against it. My breathing was slow as I watched cars blur past. Then, a memory came to me. A memory of me walking past the double doors of my parent’s room and my mother knelt at her bedside, praying. I began to sob against the glass. God was once again showing His loving mercy to me.
On my path to recovery from alcoholism, I allowed myself to feel the pain of my past. It was challenging, but I was done with living in emotional isolation. The enemy was losing his grip on me, and I soon felt compelled to share my experiences with friends and family on social media. My father called me one day. He said, “You’re sharing a lot. Aren’t you afraid people will judge you?”
I wasn’t scared. But I knew my father was afraid people would judge him for having a daughter who opens up about tough subjects. Growing up, I learned that saving face was more important than exposing the truth. Sobriety coupled with God’s grace allowed me to peel off that destructive mask, embracing an imperfect person. With that said, my relationship with my father has become robust through honesty and forgiveness. I forgive him and myself for our missteps.
I’m not alone in my Earthly struggles, after all. God went from tirelessly pursuing me to leading me once I quit hiding. My purpose is to write and share humbly; people must be encouraged to dig below the surface and discover freedom within their truth.
Every day I’m grateful to have had a mother who prayed for me. She was the only person who spoke of God to me in my younger years. That day in the hotel room, God reminded me of both His and her unfailing love for me. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for never giving up on me. I’ll see you in Heaven, mom. I miss you.